For the regular readers of my
blog you know that my brother is quite a character.
Here’s the link to his past
escapades. http://zackaryrichards.blogspot.com/2012/05/adventures-of-beercules.html
During
the recent holidays we got together and he told me what’s been going on in his
life. It turns out he’s the facilities manager of some Catholic Diocese’s locale
and his job is to make sure everything works properly. In addition, he chauffeurs
the nuns around when they have to travel or shop.
He
explained that on a recent outing to Manhattan he was accompanied by a young
nun assigned to purchase new furniture. The Diocese had made a deal with some
lower Manhattan outlet and he was driving her there.
If
you’ve ever been to Manhattan you know how crazy the traffic is, and if you’ve
ever ridden in a NYC cab, you know that a roller-coaster ride dulls in
comparison.
Well, Beerculees is driving the diocese’s van, the nun is in the passenger seat and they’re
are making their way through mid-town traffic when suddenly, a cabbie cuts in
front of them, missing their van by mere inches. Startled, the nun jerks back,
points and shouts, “Watch out for that asshole!”
To
which, my brother, ever the cool guy, turns to the nun, places his splayed
fingers against his chest and says in an affected British accent, “My word!”
Well
the young nun immediately apologizes for her outburst and choice of language
but my brother laughs, waves her off and says, “Actually, I think you hit the
nail right on the head.”
So
later on we’re sitting around having a brew when he asks what animal I thought
was the most dangerous.
I
kick it around and decide that the shark is the most dangerous, since it is
usually described as a killing and eating machine.
He
says, “Nah, once you’re out of the water, the shark can’t hurt you.”
So
I give it some more thought and said, “Okay, a lion or tiger. They can run
faster and climb trees.”
“True,”
Beerculees replied, “but if you dive into water, neither will likely follow.”
Which
was probably true, so I said, “Okay, smart guy, which animal is the most
dangerous?”
He
replies, “A bear. Because it can run faster, climb faster, swim faster and
should you decide to try to escape by walking a tightrope across a chasm, a
bear will follow, holding a tiny umbrella.”
Wise-ass.
So
I patiently waited my turn.
It
came when he asked how I’m getting along with our sister, who I invited to move
in with me while the extensive repairs are being made to her house from
Superstorm Sandy.
I
shrugged and said, “Well our differences took a little getting used to. You
know what an early bird Darla is and how I’m such a night owl and that she’s a
vegetarian and I’m a meat and potatoes kind of guy. Plus she’s hooked on those
reality shows and I can’t stand them. But she has a kind heart and a pleasant
personality so we make it work. Besides,” I said casually, “The sex is
fantastic.”
Ever
seen those cartoons when you were a kid where the character’s eyes bug out, the
jaw drops and the tongue unfurls like a rolled up rug, while making a sound
like an old time ‘ah-oooh-gah’ car horn?
Well
that was the look on his face.
Priceless.
So
I let him stew for a while then when I saw he couldn’t stand it anymore I said,
“Oh c’mon. You know I’m only kidding!” And as his face began to relax I added,
“The sex ain’t that great.”
Thought
I was going to have to ship him home in a box.
If
you enjoy my posts and are on Facebook, please click on my Ari Publishing site
and click the LIKE button. http://facebook.com/aripublishing
I have collected a lot of interesting content recently and you might want to
have a look.
