Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The White Castle Hamburger Incident

First and foremost, thanks to all my readers. The Author Zackary Richards blog celebrated its 1500th hit today. I will continue to do my very best to keep you amazed and amused.
And now, on to White Castle Hamburger incident.
So there I was, with a beer in hand and a hot babe on my lap snuggling in all nice and cozy when all of a sudden…
Perhaps I should start a little earlier.
It all began long, long ago (the 1970s to be exact) in a galaxy about 250 miles south of where I live now. It was a warm spring evening and I had been invited by the girl I was dating to attend a movie viewing on the grounds of Fordham University in the Bronx.
The movies were 2 cult classics. The first was called 'Freaks' a fascinating tale of a very diminutive man falling in love with a gold digger in the backdrop of a carnival freak show. You may have heard the phrase, ‘One of us, one of us, gooble-gobble, gooble-gobble. It is from that movie.
The second was ‘Reefer Madness’. It’s the life affirming tale of a man, who after smoking only one joint transforms, through the magic of cinema, into a wide-eyed, satanic looking lunatic, piano player. (I think he knew how to play the piano before smoking the joint).
But the best part, other than having a beer in my hand and a hot babe in my lap was that THERE WAS A BEER TRUCK RIGHT THERE ON THE CAMPUS GROUNDS! 
Heavens to Murgatroyd, could it get any better?
I thought not, but after I happened to glance across the street and saw what was there, I realized I was in error!
My friends, right there, right before my very eyes was a White Castle Hamburger restaurant. For those of you unfamiliar with White Castle hamburgers, I will explain. The burger itself is square, about 2inches by 2 inches, has four holes in it and is topped with fried onions and a pickle. Since they are so small, most people order anywhere from 5 to 10 of them at a time. They are so delicious! I just had to have some.
So following the movies me and said girlfriend head over and I order and pay for 14 of them. As we’re waiting on line this guy comes in, walks up to another guy sitting at one of the tables and PUNCHES HIM square in the face!
I am not kidding! No words were exchanged, no threats made, no indication at all that anything was about to go down. Just walks up and BAM! right in the face. Instead of squaring off with the guy who hit him, ‘Punched In The Face’ guy, gets up and runs out. The guy who punched him, (whom I will henceforth call ‘Punchy’) then sits in the Punched In The Face Guy’s seat and starts eating his food.
Girlfriend says “We’d better get out of here. That guy’s obviously a psycho.” 
I replied, “I’m not leaving without my burgers. And if he comes anywhere near us I’ll drop him like a third testicle.” Which I thought was quite the clever comment but she seemed too nervous to enjoy my rapier wit.
Now if events weren’t weird enough, I glance out the window and see Punched In The Face Guy charging toward it holding one of those heavy steel mesh garbage cans over his head. I pulled my girlfriend close and shield her (I was very brave back then, I credit the beer) as the garbage can crashes through the window and bounces off Punchy’s head.
Now he’s a bloody mess on the floor and people are charging out the doors like the place was on fire. Madness rampant, chaos abounds!
But there are times when a man has to be strong and stand his ground for the things he believes in, so I looked the man behind the counter square in the eye and said, “I believe I’ll have those burgers to go.”
Minutes later, we’re in my car and leaving the scene just as the police arrive. I’ll never forget that night. Turns out the counterman shorted us one burger.

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