Monday, November 26, 2012

Just How Stupid Are You? Let's Find Out.

    I see you’ve accepted my challenge.
   At last, a worthy opponent.
   In addition, you have proven yourself to be a person of intellectual curiosity. It’s not  many people who, when faced with that question, would answer:  Yes! I WOULD like to know just how stupid I am.
   It also shows you’re a person of self-respect and courage. A person who knows EXACTLY how stupid they are and is willing to confront anyone who dares to challenge that belief.
   It also proves that you’re a realist. You’re a person who says: “Give it to me straight, doc.  I can take it. Just HOW stupid am I?” No sugar coating for you.

   But most importantly, It’s proof you’re no stupider than I am because whenever I see a questionnaire that poses questions like the above or: Are You A Real Man? Take This Test And Find Out. I take that test. Why? Because if it turns out that I’m a Fake man. I would want to know. OR when it poses questions like: Have You Suffered Memory Loss Since Turning 50?

   Well of course not! I’m just as vibrant and sharp as I was in my twenties. And to prove it, I’m going to take that test just as soon as I remember where I saw it. 

   But I will admit that sometimes, I’m not a clever as I’d like to believe. Why? Because every time I click on one of those questionnaires, it turns out to be a come-on for some product they’re selling. 

   Sorry about that, but since you’re already here. Why not see what I have to offer, because sometimes a sales pitch features a product you’ve been looking for and can actually use!

   So here we go.
   Are you a writer who’s struggling to get his/her book published but is getting routinely rejected? Do you know someone who wants to write a book but doesn’t know where to start? Do YOU have a story to tell that the world needs to hear?

   The problem is literary agents and publishers are swamped with book proposals, query letters, sample chapters and outlines. Far more than they can ever read. So, they bring in college kids as interns to wade through the queries, proposals and slush piles and they automatically reject any manuscript containing common grammatical and spelling errors most people aren’t aware they’re making!

   Many manuscripts are rejected just for having the wrong font, letter size or incorrect spacing!

   Others for not knowing the ‘first five pages’ rule. Or including an “As you know, Bob.”

   Do you know what’s wrong with the following sentences?

   The movie trailer peaked Bob’s interest.

   Once in power, the dictator placed the country under Marshall law.
   “Stop yelling at me!” She said.

   The people reading your manuscript do and because of those errors they’re rejecting the book you’ve spent the last year or so working on.

   Want to avoid being scratched from the race before even getting to the starting gate? 
   Then click on the link below and watch the GET PUBLISHED video. It just might be the very thing you need to make the jump from struggling artist to published author.

Monday, November 19, 2012

The Adventures of Cluelessman!

   Among my many varied and spectacular personality flaws, I believe the most prominent is my inability to take a hint. Although it’s true men are notoriously well-known for this personality defect, I have taken it to new heights of cluelessness.

   It’s not intentional, it’s just that subtle hints  are about as effective on me as a pea shooter on a Bull elephant.  I’ve wondered why that was and suspect it’s because the information I received as a child is in conflict with the realities of the real world.
   I was a kid back in the day when men were respectful of women. They tipped their hats when a woman passed by, held doors, the ‘ladies first’ rule was in play and sex was something that was only done after marriage.

   Women were taught that having sex before marriage got you labeled as a whore.

   (Where I grew up it was pronounced as ‘who-wah’) and men didn’t date promiscuous women because they were considered ‘damaged goods’ and poor wife material.

   At this point I would like to respectfully ask my female readers to take a deep breath and remember I was a kid at the time and also a victim. Please note the ‘children should be seen and not heard’ rule was in effect, therefore leaving me powerless.

   Moving right along.

   When I discovered rock and roll it became my obsession. I taught myself how to play guitar and immediately headed to New York’s Greenwich Village to join the music scene. Now here’s where it gets weird. Especially if you keep in mind that as a kid I was programmed by nuns and priests in a parochial school and heavily influenced by the heretofore mentioned chivalrous treatment of woman.

   The girls started hinting their interest in me but I never picked up on it. They’d say things like, “My parents are going to my Aunt’s house Friday night, probably won’t get home till late.” And I’d reply, “Hey, that’s great. We can go to the late show at the movies!” And then pat myself on the back for maneuvering her into some back row kissing action.

   Once I was on a date with a girl and as we sat down at the restaurant I noticed these black marks on her arms.  I mentioned it and she waved it off and said, “Oh that. Well, sometimes the voices make me do things I shouldn’t.”
   I nodded, said “ yeah” and asked her what she’d like to order.

   Another time I started dating this waitress in a club I worked at and she took me home. When I got there I noticed articles clearly belonging to a man throughout the apartment. When I mentioned it, she said “That’s my boyfriend’s stuff. But don’t worry about it, he’s a hustler. When she noticed my concern she added, “Really it's okay. He brings dates here all the time.”

   The next day when I mentioned this to my prostitute friend, Lori, she said, “Idiot. A hustler is a guy who has sex with men for money. She’s banging a guy who’s banging guys.”

   Then there are the times I THINK I’m being hinted at and am completely wrong. I was dating this woman who, I thought, was into me. She was calling me at work to say hello and was doing nice things like inviting me over for dinner. But when I made a move while we were sitting on her couch in her apartment, she reacted like I was some pervert who had groped her on the subway.   

   Then there was the girl I was very much attracted to but who made it clear (at least that’s what I thought) she wasn’t interested in me romantically. We’d play tennis, and check out bands and go for drives, and during these occasions she’d regale me with tales of what guys she was dating or involved with and how she couldn’t make up her mind who she was serious about. I wasn’t the least bit interested so I tuned her out.

   I met her years later after I had married and she asked why I had never made a play for her. Stunned, I reminded her that every time we’d hang out she complain bout some guy she was dating. Clearly startled by my answer, she stared at me and said, “Yeah, I know. I was trying to let you know that I wasn’t happy with them so you’d make a play for me. Duh!”
   And so I am seriously considering buying a cape, and a spandex shirt with a big letter C on the chest, then, when entering a room filled with women, I will paraphrase Underdog’s catch phrase and say, “There’s no need to fear, Cluelessman is here!” 

Monday, November 12, 2012

Okay! Okay! I'll Be The Next Damn President!

   Yes, admittedly I have been referred to as a ‘Smarty Pants’ and a Mr. Know-It-All but I never thought such labels would cause the American people to turn to me for leadership.
   And although I did solve the gay marriage issue
   As well as the proper taxation issue for job providers
    How cops should deal with the mentally ill
   I only did it because I love my country and apparently, it needed my help.
   However… since it is probably inevitable, I would like President Obama to take these measures now, so everything I’ll need will be in place following my inauguration.

   First, Convert the Military: We are still building massive city-sized aircraft carriers and destroyers that cost billions to make and millions more to run. We are still under the mindset that our freedom depends on a strong military force patrolling the globe, ready to fight the Nazis, Nips and Commie bastards who are spending every waking moment plotting to take from us our precious freedom.
   The problem is they don’t exist anymore. Yet we’re still building bigger and more powerful planes and boats and missiles so we can obliterate those evil doers who are already dead.
   Stop it! Stop building those enormous aircraft carriers and destroyers, all of which can be vaporized by ONE NUCLEAR MISSILE.
   Just one.
   And how many does Russia have? 10,000 you say? China? 200?  And do either want to go to war with us? No. Why? Because Russia is still digging its way out of the collapse of Communism and the Chinese are too busy spending our money.
   But there is a very real enemy out there and it’s one we are presently defenseless against. It has killed hundreds of thousands in the last decade, caused trillions of dollars in property damage and has brought about more destruction and misery than any nuclear armed enemy, and its attacks are becoming more frequent.
   And if you can stop chanting U-S-A, U-S-A for just a moment, I’ll tell who that enemy is.
   It’s Mother Nature  and she’s killing us and destroying our land at a horrific rate.
   According to a just-released study by the Pentagon, reported by the New York Times, the increasing climate change will likely cause food, fuel and medicinal shortages throughout the globe. If you look at the destruction caused by Hurricanes Katrina, Irene and Superstorm Sandy, if you look at the Japanese Tsunami, the Indonesian Tsunami, the earthquakes in Haiti and China,you will see the need to refocus our resources to combat an enemy that is attacking us now, and not one that may or may not appear somewhere down the road.   
   So dry dock the monster ships, hanger the monster planes, silo the missiles and start retraining our soldiers into emergency response teams that will specialize in evacuations, road clearance, setting up temporary shelters, food distribution, power restoration and search and rescue. Instead of building aircraft carriers, we build massive sump pumps to protect major cities from flooding, and power them with wind turbines. We build transportable monster cranes and bulldozers to quickly clear earthquake damaged areas.
   Build earthquake proof monorail high-speed trains to quickly transport needed supplies and pipelines to irrigate drought stricken areas throughout the nation.
   Go full speed into natural gas production and refit our vehicles to run on it. Why? Because of the 4 major users of oil, China, Russia, India and the US, we are furthest away and with the Middle East’s political situation already tenuous, a major earthquake or tsunami could easily grind oil production to a halt, seriously crippling our ability to feed our people or provide power for our machinery and that scenario is far more likely to occur than an invasion from a foreign nation.  
   Act now. As your future president, I’m counting on you.

As always, if you enjoy my blog, join, comment or read a free sample of my books by clicking on the slideshow above. If you like the sample, download the rest to your electronic device and if at some point you decide you don’t like it, it comes with a money back guarantee, (USA residents only)  So with nothing to lose why not download your copy today?

Monday, November 5, 2012

Before Voting Tuesday, Read This.

   Those who read my blog know that politically, I am a Radical Moderate, and by that, I mean I usually vote for the less insane of the two. I have voted for Ronald Reagan 2x, George Bush sr. 1x, Bill Clinton 1x, Ross Perot 2x, George Dubya Bush 1x and Barrack Obama 1x. I strongly support the 2nd amendment and a woman’s right to choose. I am a practicing Catholic, yet I support gay marriage. I want all illegal immigrants thrown out yet I fully support anyone who enters this country and legally applies for citizenship. My allegiance isn’t to a particular party; but to the candidate who I believe can get this country safely through the next 4 years.
   I do not post anything political I haven’t verified through a reliable source. I firmly believe that anyone who posts political messages they know to be false or misleading, is a traitor and a disgrace.
   My disappointment with President Obama has been his inability to fight for what he supposedly believes in. He could have called out his political enemies and went head to head. No, he took a conciliatory stance and called for bipartisanship.
   I voted for Ronald Reagan twice, not because I supported his political views, because I disagreed with a good many of them. I voted for him because he was willing to take a stand. The one thing I admired about the man was you always knew where he stood. He said he would fire the air traffic controllers and to everyone’s astonishment, he did. He called for Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin Wall. He didn’t ask for permission or try to build a coalition, he just did it. Through the sheer force of his personality, through sheer tenacity, he brought both sides to the table and to me, that’s what makes a great president.
   Sadly Barack Obama will never be a great president.
   But he has been a competent one.  
   When he took office the country was rapidly careening toward another Great Depression. People who had held the same job for decades had been downsized the year before with no prospects on the horizon. ( I was one of them) We were fighting 2 wars and were hemorrhaging money. The banks were failing, the car companies failing, Walls Street was in shambles. Financial forecasters were predicting a complete meltdown. There have been only 2 presidents who took office under similar horrific circumstances. Abraham Lincoln and Franklin D. Roosevelt and it took Roosevelt 12 years to pull the country out of the Great Depression.
   And while our nation was teetering on the edge of financial collapse and needed to pull together, the Republicans became the party of NO. Republican leader Mitch McConnell said shortly after the election: “The only responsibility of the Republican party is to see that Barack Obama a one term president.”
   I have been voting since the 1972 election and in all that time, never has the opposing party EVER flatly refused to work with a newly elected president. To say I was furious would be putting it mildly.
   How dare the these sonsabitches defy the will of the American people! Who you like, or do not like, doesn’t matter. As Americans, as people who believe in our constitution, we accept whomever is elected and do our best to support him. I hated that George Dubya Bush won a second term but when he did, I accepted it.
   The more I see of Jersey governor Chris Christy the more I like. He has the personality of a real leader. He doesn’t need approval or coalitions, he steps up and gets the job done. As it stands, if he runs in 2016, I will vote for him.
   But for now, I will vote for President Obama. I have studied the candidates carefully and verified their positions by watching their speeches and researching their past performances. Mitt Romney has waffled on nearly every issue, I don’t know where he stands on abortion, or on social security. He refuses to release his tax returns. He created Romneycare but denies its bastard son, Obamacare. He wants to pump more money into the military, but who does he plan to use it on? The Soviet Union is gone. And we owe China too much money for them to want to attack us. Yet we still spend more money on the military than China, Russia, England and France combined.
    My real concern however is Paul Ryan. I have never seen a politician so eager to destroy every social program that benefits the middle class. So determined to force his religious and political beliefs on this nation. I understand difficult economic times make people angry and resentful. They fall into lock step with extremists because they want everyone to know how pissed off they are.
   This happened during the Great Depression. Not here in the US, but in Germany where their currency, the Deutsche Mark had become valueless and their government was in shambles. So they elected someone who promised to turn things around. And he did. Unfortunately at the cost of 50 million lives.
   Here’s how my math works. The way I see it, the Republicans will hold on to the House and the Democrats will hold on to the Senate. If Obama is elected, things will remain the same, slow growth and high debt. If Romney is elected, he’ll have the same problems except, this time the Dems will be the party of NO.
   If Romney is elected and for some reason doesn’t finish his term, Paul Ryan would become president. He would immediately use his very wealthy supporters to force the moderate Republicans into supporting his programs and unleash a tidal wave of anti-Democrat propaganda. This would undoubtedly bring rioting and violence onto our streets because Americans never give up their rights without a fight. And it wouldn’t be the hippie, non-violent protests of the past, there will be bloodshed and a lot of it.
   However, if Biden were to assume the presidency it would be the return of Gerald Ford, no doubt giving the Republican an easy win in 2016.
   I don’t believe what I wrote here will change anyone’s mind and I’m sure many will be furious at my choice but I did the research, I put in the time, and I ignored the biased media. I fulfilled my responsibility as an American and have no doubt you will do the same.