Friday, August 3, 2012

Uncle Zack Tackles the Hard Issues

This morning my beloved daughter Turtledove kicked in my bedroom door and shouted, “Watch the kid; I’ve got to go to work!”
I wanted to protest, remind her that I too have a life but seeing that she was wearing her Homeland Security full body armor and had her hand hovering over her holstered Glock 9, I decided to thwart her obvious plan and remained silent.
Besides I always enjoy spending time with my imaginary grandson Bosco Obama the third. He’s such a curious young man and I just love it when he calls me ‘Gam’pa’.
As she was about to leave she turned and said, “And don’t fill his head with that loony-tune crap you told me when I was a kid. I had a hard time holding on to my femininity thanks to you!” she added as she finished off what little remained in my bottle of Jack and lit a cigar.
After she was gone, Little Bosco Obama the Third asked, “Gam’pa, what was mommy talking about i.e. ‘that here-to-fore mentioned loony-tune crap?’”
 “Well, imaginary grandson,” I said as he climbed on my knee, “Your mother, being a certified imbecile, has difficulty grasping complex concepts like learning to chew with her mouth closed or finding her ass with both hands, but to answer your question, in this world there are complex problems that cannot be resolved with simple solutions.”
“Elucidate please and with example.”
“Very well,” I reply. “Many of our present problems are the result of not addressing the problem as it emerged. Let us start with gun-control. This country, since its inception has permitted its citizens to own guns. As many as they want and mostly any type they wanted. The idea was to make sure the people could defend themselves should the government become evil and try to enslave them.”
“Seems like a reasonable concept,” Bosco Obama the Third said.
“I agree. However, since that document was written our armament technology has progressed in leaps and bounds. Back then it took about a half hour to load and fire a rifle and an actual discharge occurred in at best, three out of five attempts. Plenty of time for cooler heads to prevail. Today, we can wipe out an entire civilization in milliseconds with a device smaller than a suitcase. And unfortunately there are those who would like to own one. Not to actually use it but to show their friends how cool they are by having one.”   
Bosco nodded solemnly, “I can see where this may present a problem. Have you devised a solution?”
“Need you ask?” I replied smugly.
“I suppose not. Mom always says there isn’t a blithering idiot on this planet who doesn’t think he’s smarter than everybody else.”
“So true. Almost all my blithering idiot friends think they’re genius’s. Anyway let’s first address the possible solutions. One popular idea is to make owning a firearm illegal and force everyone to turn theirs in. The premise being that with no guns there would be no murders.”
“But there were murders long before guns were invented.”
“Very true,” I reply. “Plus there are 150 millions guns in the United States and the people who own them are not going to voluntarily turn them over, which would result with the government having to use force which would result in more people buying more guns to prevent their guns from being taken which would result in tens of thousands of murders instead of the piddly 9,000 we have every year.”
“But Gam’pa, why would people insist that disarming the populous is a good idea when the obvious result would be so horrific?”
I pat the boy on the knee and say, “Because people foolishly believe that everyone thinks just like they do and since they would willingly give up any gun they owned, which they would never own in the first place, they can’t understand other people’s reluctance.”
“My, that presents quite a dilemma. Then what would be an intelligent and rational solution? And why on Earth am I asking you?”
“I’ll answer your first question first,” I reply. “Guns should only be available to citizens who are responsible and mentally sound. For example, convicted felons cannot legally own or posses a firearm. If caught with one they go to jail and rightly so. As criminals, they have proven themselves to be irresponsible and untrustworthy.
“People who have been or are being treated for a delusional disorder must NEVER be allowed to purchase a gun, PERIOD. In addition they need to be institutionalized because they present a danger to society. Giving people who cannot differentiate between the real and the illusionary medication and expecting them to follow the dosage requirements is tantamount to releasing rabid animals on city streets. They should be treated as Typhoid Mary was treated.”
“And how was she treated?” little Bosco asks.
“I’m running out of space so look it up on Wikipedia. In conclusion, anyone convicted of behavior that can result in harming another person like driving drunk, or acts of domestic violence should be banned from gun ownership as well. Believe me, you’d have a lot less incidents if those idiots had to give up their guns if convicted.
“Now,” I continued. “To answer your second question…” But I saw there was no need. I was sitting alone on the couch in an empty house staring at a static filled TV screen.       

As you know by now, (I’ve certainly mentioned it enough) the sequel to my novel Noon: The Rise to Power—with its 8 five star reviews— will be available at the end of this month. The title is Noon 2: The Resurgence. In it you will learn the reason behind Dr. Solace Mopather’s sudden personality changes and the origin of the I-Man. You will see why the enigmatic Doctor Noon is branded by the federal government as the most dangerous man on Earth.  You will be startled when as tensions between Washington and New York increase, the Scarecrows reassemble, the Colonel takes control of the police and Manhattan is evacuated.
Have no idea what the hell I’m talking about? Well then, download Noon: The Rise to Power for only $2.99 and find out. And if within 30 days you discover you don’t like it, I’ll send you your money back! (Sorry refunds apply to USA residents only) So click on the link below Give Noon: The Rise to Power a read and find out what all the excitement is about.