After
I have seized power and my quest for world domination has been achieved, the
first thing I am going to do is enact two new laws. The first is the Dark Side Law
and the second is the Too Stupid to Live Law.
I’ll
explain.
We,
as a people, have become addicted to feeling good about ourselves. Everyone
raves about the latest ‘feel good’ book, or movie of the year. Nowadays,
everyone is ready to forgive and forget as long as the criminal appears
repentant and more importantly, the criminal act didn’t involve them or anyone
they care about.
Although
mankind consists mostly of puddin’heads, the hypersensitive and assorted doofi,
they, for some inexplicable reason, consider themselves intellectuals and
socially enlightened, and will likely continue to philosophize and attempt to
fathom the unfathomable for as long as it makes them feel all gooey and warm
inside, or until the bad guys climb the stairs of their Ivory Towers and kill them.
Ergo, the necessity of enacting these laws.
Both
the Dark Side and the Too Stupid to Live laws are easy to understand. Under the
Dark Side law, those who intentionally go to the dark side will be required to
accept whatever happens to them while there.
For
example: Pizza Guy is cleaning the oven with industrial strength oven cleaner.
Bad Guy comes up from behind, pulls a gun and threatens to kill him if he
doesn’t empty the cash register. Instead of complying, Pizza Guy spins around and sprays cleaner
into Bad Guy’s eyes, permanently blinding him. With the Dark Side Rules in
effect, the robber would have no legal recourse, no access to welfare or
disability compensation, nothing. The point is, he knowingly entered the Dark
Side by pulling a gun and attempting to rob Pizza Guy. No need for police, lawyers
or insurance people to get involved. No bewailing of life’s cruel fate, no
calls for compassion, pity or understanding as to why one man would try to rob
another. It would simply boil down to this: The robber pulled the lever on the
devil’s shot machine and instead of winning the Jackpot, it took his eyesight.
Thank
you for playing.
The
Too Stupid to Live Laws would protect us from stupid people, whose actions
endanger us and those we love. We all know how bad the weather has gotten.
Every day there’s another story about some place being blown to smithereens, buried
by an earthquake or wiped out by a tsunami, and there are always those who
insist on staying behind to ride it out.
They
have every right to do so.
But
like the Dark Side law, once they make that decision they have to live with the
consequences. Take this theoretical example: The national weather service has
announced a ‘Run like Hell’ warning to residents of the states bordering the
Gulf of Mexico. Reporting that Superstorm George Clooney has winds of 600 miles
an hour and has ripped the island of Bermuda off the map and dropped it
somewhere north of New Orleans. Hoards of meat eating locust have essentially
‘chowed-down’ on the kind folks of the Mississippi Delta. Godzilla has touched
down in central Texas and immediately instituted his own form of barbequing,
unfortunately the barbequees were the residents of the area.
When
interviewed, a lifelong resident of the most afflicted area, colorfully named ‘Rootin-Tootin’
Sam McBob, claimed he ‘wasn’t afeared. And that he ‘wasn’t going to let a
little wind and rain chase him from his home of 30 years, no sir!’
His
wife Clarabelle McBob echoed his sentiments. “Sure as shootin’ we ain’t goin’
nowhere.’ When asked if her husband’s colorful name was due to his
self-sufficient, pioneer spirit, she replied, “No, he got named that due to his
jock itch and flatulence problem.”
Sure
enough, once Superstorm George Clooney hit, they were singing a different tune.
Clinging to the top of a flagpole for dear life, and surrounded by increasingly
turbulent waters, they desperately called 911for help. But under the Too Stupid
to Live Laws, there would be no one to answer because the first responders,
after evacuating everyone, followed
their government’s ‘Run Like Hell’ directive and like all the other
responsible, clear-thinking people were now toasty and warm and out of harm’s
way.
Sadly,
Rootin-Tootin and Clarabelle didn’t make it but more importantly, no first
responders lost their lives attempting to rescue them. They knew the risks of pulling
the lever of the devil’s slot machine hoping to win praise and admiration from
their neighbors. Instead it took their lives.
Again,
thank you for playing.
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