Monday, December 10, 2012

My Plans For World Domination

   After I have seized power and my quest for world domination has been achieved, the first thing I am going to do is enact two new laws. The first is the Dark Side Law and the second is the Too Stupid to Live Law.
   I’ll explain.
   We, as a people, have become addicted to feeling good about ourselves. Everyone raves about the latest ‘feel good’ book, or movie of the year. Nowadays, everyone is ready to forgive and forget as long as the criminal appears repentant and more importantly, the criminal act didn’t involve them or anyone they care about.
   Although mankind consists mostly of puddin’heads, the hypersensitive and assorted doofi, they, for some inexplicable reason, consider themselves intellectuals and socially enlightened, and will likely continue to philosophize and attempt to fathom the unfathomable for as long as it makes them feel all gooey and warm inside, or until the bad guys climb the stairs of their Ivory Towers and kill them.
   Ergo, the necessity of enacting these laws.
   Both the Dark Side and the Too Stupid to Live laws are easy to understand. Under the Dark Side law, those who intentionally go to the dark side will be required to accept whatever happens to them while there.

  For example: Pizza Guy is cleaning the oven with industrial strength oven cleaner. Bad Guy comes up from behind, pulls a gun and threatens to kill him if he doesn’t empty the cash register. Instead of complying,  Pizza Guy spins around and sprays cleaner into Bad Guy’s eyes, permanently blinding him. With the Dark Side Rules in effect, the robber would have no legal recourse, no access to welfare or disability compensation, nothing. The point is, he knowingly entered the Dark Side by pulling a gun and attempting to rob Pizza Guy. No need for police, lawyers or insurance people to get involved. No bewailing of life’s cruel fate, no calls for compassion, pity or understanding as to why one man would try to rob another. It would simply boil down to this: The robber pulled the lever on the devil’s shot machine and instead of winning the Jackpot, it took his eyesight.

   Thank you for playing.

   The Too Stupid to Live Laws would protect us from stupid people, whose actions endanger us and those we love. We all know how bad the weather has gotten. Every day there’s another story about some place being blown to smithereens, buried by an earthquake or wiped out by a tsunami, and there are always those who insist on staying behind to ride it out.

   They have every right to do so.
   But like the Dark Side law, once they make that decision they have to live with the consequences. Take this theoretical example: The national weather service has announced a ‘Run like Hell’ warning to residents of the states bordering the Gulf of Mexico. Reporting that Superstorm George Clooney has winds of 600 miles an hour and has ripped the island of Bermuda off the map and dropped it somewhere north of New Orleans. Hoards of meat eating locust have essentially ‘chowed-down’ on the kind folks of the Mississippi Delta. Godzilla has touched down in central Texas and immediately instituted his own form of barbequing, unfortunately the barbequees were the residents of the area. 

  When interviewed, a lifelong resident of the most afflicted area, colorfully named ‘Rootin-Tootin’ Sam McBob, claimed he ‘wasn’t afeared. And that he ‘wasn’t going to let a little wind and rain chase him from his home of 30 years, no sir!’

   His wife Clarabelle McBob echoed his sentiments. “Sure as shootin’ we ain’t goin’ nowhere.’ When asked if her husband’s colorful name was due to his self-sufficient, pioneer spirit, she replied, “No, he got named that due to his jock itch and flatulence problem.”

   Sure enough, once Superstorm George Clooney hit, they were singing a different tune. Clinging to the top of a flagpole for dear life, and surrounded by increasingly turbulent waters, they desperately called 911for help. But under the Too Stupid to Live Laws, there would be no one to answer because the first responders, after evacuating everyone,  followed their government’s ‘Run Like Hell’ directive and like all the other responsible, clear-thinking people were now toasty and warm and out of harm’s way.

   Sadly, Rootin-Tootin and Clarabelle didn’t make it but more importantly, no first responders lost their lives attempting to rescue them. They knew the risks of pulling the lever of the devil’s slot machine hoping to win praise and admiration from their neighbors. Instead it took their lives.

   Again, thank you for playing.

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