In
today’s episode of The Author Zackary Richards I’d like to address the some of
the misconceptions regarding to Christopher Columbus’ voyage to America, the Land
of the Free, Home of the Whooper. According to recent studies, it appears that
ol Chris was fully aware he hadn’t landed in India and was pretty freakin wowed
once he realized he had discovered a new land.
Here’s
likely error # 1: Chris didn’t refer to this new land’s inhabitants as Indians
because he thought he had landed in India. He actually referred to them as 'enfant in deos.' Get it? In-deos. Which in Klingon means, ‘Children of God.’ (I translated
it into Klingon because I can’t write Portigeese—And apparently I can’t spell
in Portuguese either and frankly, why should I? Chris worked for Spain’s
Ferdinand and Isabella )
But
I digress…
He
christened them this because he genuinely considered them amazing and
wonderful, so when you refer to a Native American as an Indian and some self
righteous asshat seizes upon this opportunity to inform you that he/she just
happens to be 100th of 1% real Native American and your comment is insensitive
and debases the proud and noble Native American people, you can suggest they
learn a little history.
You
could also mention that he/she wouldn’t be running their mouths about their
‘Native American Heritage’ 150 years ago, you know, back in the days when
General Custer and others like him were routinely picking off these proud and
noble people like metal ducks at a carnival midway.
Likely
Error #2: Back in 1492, when Columbus sailed the ocean blue, India was actually
more commonly known as Hindustan. So if Columbus actually thought he landed in
India he would have referred to its populace as Hinduians. And more importantly
the great state of Indiana would today be called the great state of Hinduina
and Cleveland’s baseball team would be called the Cleveland Hindus and the
emblem on their uniforms would be a cartoon of a dark skin man wearing a
turban. And as for the Atlanta Braves, they would be called the Atlanta
Bengalis and the famous tomahawk chop would likely be replaced with the entire
crowd closing their eyes, holding out their hands with thumb and index finger
pressed together and chanting ‘OOOOmmmmmmm’
Which
proves that Columbus had more on the ball than earlier realized.
Now
getting back to the Asian Indian People.
How the hell did the British manage to take control of India from 1757
to 1947? Especially since even back then they had a population of over 200
million to Britain’s 16 mil or so.
I
suspect witchcraft!
However
since I was unsure of my theory I enlisted the help of a remarkably intelligent
woman friend of Asian Indian descent and posed that very question. She
thoughtfully pondered the query and said. “In order to know the ways of a
people one must study their culture, their history. The Asian Indians are an
intelligent, peaceful and nonviolent race.
“As for the British,” she continued, “one can
safely say that they are a bunch of
%7//@##, no good, lying @**%!&$##!
mother %#$@&$%%, and they can go @&@##%@&&# themselves!
And do you know that India, the proud country of my ancestors was actually
named India by the British? And that the Indian people had no say in the naming
of their own country?”
I
did not, however I did suggest the people of India do what we American did
after freeing ourselves from British rule. I told her we replaced the things
named for famous British people and renamed them in honor of our own famous
people. Ergo, Washington State, Lincoln Nebraska, The George Washington Bridge,
The Lincoln Tunnel, and of course, The Howard Stern rest stop, just to name a few. “India,” I added,
“has a number of famous people and they should rename their country in honor of
one of their own.”
She
smiled. Said she liked the idea but then added, “The problem is that we have so
many worthy candidates from our history to chose from.”
Nonsense!”
I said, “In fact, I can think of one right off the bat and have already come up
with the perfect name for your country to replace the old name of India.”
“Really?”
she said enthusiastically. “And what would that name be?”
Beaming
with pride I said, “Gandiland!”
She
punched me in the head. Non-violent and peaceful people my ass!
Hey
friends, a couple of quick notes. On facebook beginning on the first of
February 2013 I’ll be posting exclusively from my Ari Publishing fan page, so
if you want to be alerted about my blog posts and other cool stuff go here http://facebook.com/aripublishing and click on
the LIKE button on the right, below the cool picture. I’m making the switch
because it’s too hard to maintain both sites and the Ari Publishing site has
more followers. I hope you decide to become one of them. I have totally redone
the content which now incorporates the best and most innovative from all the
arts. Give a look and you’ll see what I mean
Second
bit, check out the new Ari Publishing video promo here: http://youtu.be/OshCWa-JK4I It is
awesome!
