Monday, January 21, 2013

Don't Believe Everything You Read, Especially This!

   In today’s episode of The Author Zackary Richards I’d like to address the some of the misconceptions regarding to Christopher Columbus’ voyage to America, the Land of the Free, Home of the Whooper. According to recent studies, it appears that ol Chris was fully aware he hadn’t landed in India and was pretty freakin wowed once he realized he had discovered a new land.

   Here’s likely error # 1: Chris didn’t refer to this new land’s inhabitants as Indians because he thought he had landed in India. He actually referred to them as 'enfant in deos.' Get it? In-deos. Which in Klingon means, ‘Children of God.’ (I translated it into Klingon because I can’t write Portigeese—And apparently I can’t spell in Portuguese either and frankly, why should I? Chris worked for Spain’s Ferdinand and Isabella )

   But I digress…

   He christened them this because he genuinely considered them amazing and wonderful, so when you refer to a Native American as an Indian and some self righteous asshat seizes upon this opportunity to inform you that he/she just happens to be 100th of 1% real Native American and your comment is insensitive and debases the proud and noble Native American people, you can suggest they learn a little history.

   You could also mention that he/she wouldn’t be running their mouths about their ‘Native American Heritage’ 150 years ago, you know, back in the days when General Custer and others like him were routinely picking off these proud and noble people like metal ducks at a carnival midway.

   Likely Error #2: Back in 1492, when Columbus sailed the ocean blue, India was actually more commonly known as Hindustan. So if Columbus actually thought he landed in India he would have referred to its populace as Hinduians. And more importantly the great state of Indiana would today be called the great state of Hinduina and Cleveland’s baseball team would be called the Cleveland Hindus and the emblem on their uniforms would be a cartoon of a dark skin man wearing a turban. And as for the Atlanta Braves, they would be called the Atlanta Bengalis and the famous tomahawk chop would likely be replaced with the entire crowd closing their eyes, holding out their hands with thumb and index finger pressed together and chanting ‘OOOOmmmmmmm’

   Which proves that Columbus had more on the ball than earlier realized.

   Now getting back to the Asian Indian People.  How the hell did the British manage to take control of India from 1757 to 1947? Especially since even back then they had a population of over 200 million to Britain’s 16 mil or so.

   I suspect witchcraft!

   However since I was unsure of my theory I enlisted the help of a remarkably intelligent woman friend of Asian Indian descent and posed that very question. She thoughtfully pondered the query and said. “In order to know the ways of a people one must study their culture, their history. The Asian Indians are an intelligent, peaceful and nonviolent race.

   “As for the British,” she continued, “one can safely say that they are a bunch of  %7//@##, no good, lying @**%!&$##!  mother %#$@&$%%, and they can go @&@##%@&&# themselves! And do you know that India, the proud country of my ancestors was actually named India by the British? And that the Indian people had no say in the naming of their own country?”

   I did not, however I did suggest the people of India do what we American did after freeing ourselves from British rule. I told her we replaced the things named for famous British people and renamed them in honor of our own famous people. Ergo, Washington State, Lincoln Nebraska, The George Washington Bridge, The Lincoln Tunnel, and of course, The Howard Stern rest stop, just to name a few. “India,” I added, “has a number of famous people and they should rename their country in honor of one of their own.”

   She smiled. Said she liked the idea but then added, “The problem is that we have so many worthy candidates from our history to chose from.”

  Nonsense!” I said, “In fact, I can think of one right off the bat and have already come up with the perfect name for your country to replace the old name of India.”

  “Really?” she said enthusiastically. “And what would that name be?”

   Beaming with pride I said, “Gandiland!”    

   She punched me in the head. Non-violent and peaceful people my ass!

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