Saturday, May 5, 2012

How Not to Get Tasered

    As we commemorate the 10th anniversary of Rodney King getting lumped, the L.A Riots, the premier of the first reality shows and our slow descent as a civilization into hell, I believe now would be a good time to teach you, the local idiot, how not to get tasered.
    Now, on the oft chance that you’re not the local idiot you can stop reading here. And if you are, well then, I’m here to help.
    I need to point out that I am a tad biased when it comes to the police as many of my family members and friends work in law enforcement. Overall they are good people who want to serve and protect their community. But lately I’ve seen several articles claiming the police were tasering people without cause. So I asked them about it and they said just follow these few simple rules and you’ll never have a problem.
1)   When the cops show up it means you have lost control of the situation and that they have been summoned to reestablish it.
2)  You can best facilitate their efforts by sitting down, answering their questions politely and keeping your hands in plain sight at all times. By showing that you aren’t a threat, the overall tension will lessen and the situation will be resolved quickly.
3)     In many cases one or two people will be instructed to leave. If you are one of those people, do so. You can always come back tomorrow.
4)    Remember that every police officer has his/her name and the city/state they work for on their uniforms. If you feel the officer exceeded his or her authority you can go to the precinct or municipal center the next day and file a formal complaint. You may also contact your local ACLU or law firm.

The point is 99 times out of 100 if you follow the above instructions you will never have a problem.

On the other hand, if you are one of those jackaninnies who rebels against any type of authority, who knows his rights and refuses to take crap from The Man, here’s how to get lit up like a Christmas tree.

1)    When the police arrive, confront them right away. Tell them you know your rights and no, they can’t come inside unless they got a WARRANT.
2)    Refer to them as effing pigs, make oinking sounds and let them know that if they weren’t carrying a gun you’d kick their asses up and down the block.
3)    If dealing with a female police officer, grab your genitals and approach her defiantly. Yeah, cause what’s she gonna do about it?
4)    And last and definitely least, if a male cop gets up in your face, shove him, puff out your chest and ask him what’s he’s gonna do about it.

Bottom line… Douche-bags get zapped.

What people too often forget is that the police are just people. And although highly trained, they are just as susceptible to anger, fear, anxiety and every other emotion the rest of us feel, often more so because of the pressure of their job.
Keep in mind these are the people that run into situations the rest of us are running away from. They walk the streets in dangerous neighborhoods wearing a police officer’s uniform. They come to your rescue when criminals break into your home and threaten the lives of you and your family.  
They run into burning twin towers and are never seen again.

So let’s cut them a break. If a cop shows up at your doorstep your first question shouldn’t be, ‘Why is this cop picking on me?’ It should be, ‘What did I do to bring him here?’

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