Friday, May 18, 2012

Seriously, What's with all the Naked Pictures?

  So here’s the story. Over the last few days I’ve been receiving unsolicited photos of women wearing little, and in some cases, no clothes at all in my e-mails, as well as on my Facebook and Twitter accounts. Since I’ve always encouraged women’s rights, I feel it’s my duty to stand up and announce that, “My name is I’m Zackary Richards and I approve this practice.”
But my question is, why me and why now?
To be honest this isn’t the first time women have titillated me with seductive photos. Back in the days when I was young and beautiful…
Yeah, I said it!
…and was the lead singer and rhythm guitarist for a rock band, women regularly struck seductive poses in scanty outfits to get my attention.  I’ve described many of these adventures in previous posts, but that was decades ago and the years haven’t been all that kind.
Whereas I was once a hunka-hunka burning love, I am presently generally referred to as a lumpa-lumpa steaming poo.
Okay, okay, I’m not quite that bad, but I’ll freely admit I’m a tad past my prime.
The women forwarding these photos are not porn stars or Playboy models but instead normal, everyday, middle-aged women. Most of the photos appear to have been taken with a cell phone camera and show their bodies but not their faces. Some do however and seem proud of it. I suppose they get a kick out of posing nude for a guy they’ve never met.
Again my name is Zackary Richards and I approve this practice.
 I discussed this with my writer friends after our meeting and they asked if I had printed out copies. (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) I told them no. In fact, right after viewing and perhaps replying with a ‘LIKE’ or thank you, I delete them.
I’m not kidding.
Here’s why. I don’t know your story but over the years I’ve said or done things that I wish could be deleted out of existence. And I don’t like the idea of somewhere down the road someone getting hold of my computer and putting that women’s photo on some porn site and screwing up her life.
Therefore I think it best that after a proper hello, we say ta-ta, to the ta-ta’s!
You know, it amazes me that I can be this clever and still not be rich.
Anyway, I was still trying to figure out what brought this on.
Then I recalled a blog post I made a week or so ago. It was called The Truth About my Facebook Friends. In it I blather on about all the things I enjoy about Facebook. In the post I use a comedic tool that is referred to as a ‘Callback’.
A callback is when you make a comic reference in the beginning of your routine and then interject it again later after the audience has forgotten about it. The callback I used was, ‘And it features pictures of women in various stages of undress.’
So apparently some women noted this and decided it would be fun to send me photos of themselves in various stages of undress.
Now here would be an excellent place to insert a callback. I’ve already used one twice in this post. Can you find that comment?
I knew that you could.
No doubt this practice will run its course and then it’s back to being inundated with the regular crapola. Offers to increase my bust size, enlarge my naughty bits, decrease my waistline, tighten my abs, lower my cholesterol, add years to my life, strengthen my libido, lessen my allergies and other such nonsense.
You know what might be funny? If I replied to these women with a provocative photo of myself in various stages of undress.
On second thought, nah. That’s just cruel.

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