Monday, November 12, 2012

Okay! Okay! I'll Be The Next Damn President!

   Yes, admittedly I have been referred to as a ‘Smarty Pants’ and a Mr. Know-It-All but I never thought such labels would cause the American people to turn to me for leadership.
   And although I did solve the gay marriage issue
   As well as the proper taxation issue for job providers
    How cops should deal with the mentally ill
   I only did it because I love my country and apparently, it needed my help.
   However… since it is probably inevitable, I would like President Obama to take these measures now, so everything I’ll need will be in place following my inauguration.

   First, Convert the Military: We are still building massive city-sized aircraft carriers and destroyers that cost billions to make and millions more to run. We are still under the mindset that our freedom depends on a strong military force patrolling the globe, ready to fight the Nazis, Nips and Commie bastards who are spending every waking moment plotting to take from us our precious freedom.
   The problem is they don’t exist anymore. Yet we’re still building bigger and more powerful planes and boats and missiles so we can obliterate those evil doers who are already dead.
   Stop it! Stop building those enormous aircraft carriers and destroyers, all of which can be vaporized by ONE NUCLEAR MISSILE.
   Just one.
   And how many does Russia have? 10,000 you say? China? 200?  And do either want to go to war with us? No. Why? Because Russia is still digging its way out of the collapse of Communism and the Chinese are too busy spending our money.
   But there is a very real enemy out there and it’s one we are presently defenseless against. It has killed hundreds of thousands in the last decade, caused trillions of dollars in property damage and has brought about more destruction and misery than any nuclear armed enemy, and its attacks are becoming more frequent.
   And if you can stop chanting U-S-A, U-S-A for just a moment, I’ll tell who that enemy is.
   It’s Mother Nature  and she’s killing us and destroying our land at a horrific rate.
   According to a just-released study by the Pentagon, reported by the New York Times, the increasing climate change will likely cause food, fuel and medicinal shortages throughout the globe. If you look at the destruction caused by Hurricanes Katrina, Irene and Superstorm Sandy, if you look at the Japanese Tsunami, the Indonesian Tsunami, the earthquakes in Haiti and China,you will see the need to refocus our resources to combat an enemy that is attacking us now, and not one that may or may not appear somewhere down the road.   
   So dry dock the monster ships, hanger the monster planes, silo the missiles and start retraining our soldiers into emergency response teams that will specialize in evacuations, road clearance, setting up temporary shelters, food distribution, power restoration and search and rescue. Instead of building aircraft carriers, we build massive sump pumps to protect major cities from flooding, and power them with wind turbines. We build transportable monster cranes and bulldozers to quickly clear earthquake damaged areas.
   Build earthquake proof monorail high-speed trains to quickly transport needed supplies and pipelines to irrigate drought stricken areas throughout the nation.
   Go full speed into natural gas production and refit our vehicles to run on it. Why? Because of the 4 major users of oil, China, Russia, India and the US, we are furthest away and with the Middle East’s political situation already tenuous, a major earthquake or tsunami could easily grind oil production to a halt, seriously crippling our ability to feed our people or provide power for our machinery and that scenario is far more likely to occur than an invasion from a foreign nation.  
   Act now. As your future president, I’m counting on you.

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