Thursday, December 19, 2013

Choking During Sex? WTF!?

Although it is true that I’m no longer a spring chicken I’m not quite over the hill.

Or am I?

I ask this because of this recent trend of women supposedly wanting to be choked while having sex.  Is this some new odd fad? Or something from 50 Shades of Gray, perhaps?  I don’t get it.

Admittedly there have been times where I wished for a James Bond ejector seat while riding in my car with some women, but choking?


Look, when a beautiful woman is generous enough to permit me the pleasure of playing with her naughty bits, I’m not going to repay her by wrapping my hands around her throat! Make her breakfast, sure! Buy her flowers, you bet! Nearly kill her by strangulation? Are you out of your freaking mind!?

Now this is not to say I haven’t had my share of adventurous sex. And yes, there have been those special times when I have, in fact, used the whole chicken, the Venus butterfly and the Seinfeld ‘swirl’.

A place for everything and everything in its place, that’s’ my motto. And I will admit strangulation does have its place in a relationship and most definitely in marriage. I remember back when I was married and coming home after a hard day’s work only to have the Missus stalk and attack me like Cato would Inspector Cleuseau. There we were, crashing through windows, tumbling down stairs, throwing various objects at each other’s heads, setting beds on fire, dropping toasters into tubs, severing brake lines…

Good times.
But asphyxiation?  Pump the brakes, Jockamo.

Correct me if I’m wrong but in all the movies I’ve seen where the woman gets strangled, I’ve yet to see one where she’s smiling and getting into it. Usually they’re flailing around, desperately trying to escape.

You know. Like when they’re out on a date with me.

Then there’s the other side of the coin. It’s called autoerotic-asphyxiation. Supposedly David Carradine thought it would be a good idea to go into a closet, fashion a noose, place it around his neck, drop his pants, then step off a small stool and see if he could masturbate to sexual climax before choking to death.

Talk about your coming and going!