Monday, June 25, 2012

Aww, Crap! I'm a Sex Machine.

For those of you familiar with my blog posts, you know I possess a magic bathroom mirror that points out all my flaws and shortcomings whenever I’m in the vicinity of my reflection. It not-so-kindly comments on my age, reminds me that I’m past my prime, have a middle-age paunch, wear reading glasses and am careening toward my dotage like a cartoon drunk.
The only positive thing about the process is that as a man gets older his sex drive lessens.
WHAT?!!! you say. How can a lessening sex drive be a good thing?
I’ll explain. A man’s sex drive is akin to being a drug addict. From the minute he gets up in the morning till he goes to bed at night his primary concern is who he is going to have sex with.
Being married or having a live-in companion often solves this problem which permits the man to attend to other less important pursuits like eating, sleeping, bathing, getting dressed etc.
But without that significant other, well…
But the good news is once you settle into your fifties that crack-addict like need lessens permitting you to relax, grow old with your wife and enjoy your golden years.
That is unless your wife suddenly drops off the face of the Earth leaving you to start all over again.
Aww, crap!
But good news! As your body begins falling apart like an old car with high mileage, your primary concern switches from sex to what new medical issue is going to ruin your day. And as you get older the range from which to choose expands with your waistline. There are chest pains, high blood pressure, suspicious lumps, hearing loss, failing eyesight, back pain, I can go on and on but you get the picture.
And with my magic mirror— whom I have christened ‘Douchey McDouchebag’— pointing out my advancing decrepitude I said the hell with it, dropped out of the dating scene and devoted myself to the two things that make live worth living, pizza and beer.
Most of you probably already know this but I was surprised to discover that a steady diet of pizza and beer isn’t the Breakfast of Champions I was led to believe. And over a year’s time I noticed some physical changes. Like weight gain, swollen extremities, shortness of breath, high blood pressure, acid reflux and lack of energy.
Then one night while I’m stuffing my face watching TV, I saw Dr. Joel Fuhrman’s ‘Eat to Live’ paid program. It boils down to this. The reason people are hungry when they shouldn’t be is because their body isn’t receiving the necessary nutrients it needs to function properly. So to compensate the brain continues to send out the ‘EAT’ signal in the hope that you’ll stuff your pie hole with the vitamins and nutrients it actually requires.  
What are those nutrients? I don’t know but they’re in these 5 foods. Dr. Fuhrman calls it the GOMBS diet. It consists of this. G=Greens O=Onions M=Mushrooms B=Berries S=Seeds.
He says if you incorporate those 5 foods into your meals each day, you’ll notice a significant lessening of appetite, because when your body receives the necessary nutrients it stops sending out the ‘EAT’ signal.
“Balderdash!” I said but since Douchey McDouchebag had become unrelenting in his criticisms and my bathroom scale had begun to scream when I stepped on it, I decided to give it a try.
Holy crap! Over a period of 6 months I lost 40 pounds. NOW PAY ATTENTION: I am not promoting Dr. Fuhrman or his book. I have no idea if this will work for you. I only know it worked for me. And now that I’ve added the other nutrients my acupuncturist suggested, all my health problems have disappeared, with one disastrous side effect.
I got the sex drive of a teenager.
Aww, crap!
Because as we all know, there are few things hot, attractive women like more than a revitalized geezer hitting on them. Yep, just take this conversation between two beautiful women.
Mildred: “When I fantasize, I imagine myself making wild passionate love with men like Johnny Depp, Ryan Gosling and Tatum Channing.”
Mabel: “Not me, I prefer the edgy excitement of making love to the revitalized geezer. You know the saying, ‘Once you go Geez… Sooner or later one will drop dead”.
So ladies, a little advice: If you should see me approaching with a gleam in my eye and a swagger in my step…
Run like hell!

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