Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I'm A Pin-Up Boy!

I have been very fortunate in the fact that I’ve always enjoyed good health. This is certainly not due to anything I’ve done health-wise in fact, it’s probably in spite of it. Most likely it’s because I come from very hearty stock. Recently however, the damndest thing happened. Out of the blue my left thigh started to hurt. I blew it off at first but with each passing day it grew worse until it got to the point that I couldn’t walk.
So I went to the doctor and he diagnosed my conditions as, ‘beats the hell out of me’ and prescribed steroids, anti-inflammatories and pain killers. I’ve always been hesitant about taking meds because prescribed meds is what killed my father but sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do so I took the steroids and anti-inflammatories but not the pain-killers because macho-guys like me can handle pain.
Yeah, right.
A week later I’m in the emergency room and after a thorough examination the doctor confirms the previous doctor’s diagnosis, except he refers to it as CHRONIC ‘beats the hell out of me’ and has me continue the meds and orders an MRI.
I’m considerably claustrophobic so I mention this. He says not to worry, the place I’m going has ‘Open-MRI.’
An Open-MRI? So I’m thinking we’re looking at something similar to what Bones used on Star Trek and I’m fine with that.
I can almost hear the laughter coming from those of you who have had an ‘Open MRI' because OPEN has nothing to do with it.
I’ll explain.
Imagine lying down on an autopsy table and then having someone lock a heavy plastic brace on your body that holds you absolutely rigid. Then they leave the room and the autopsy table you’re laying upon slowly slides under something the size of a Chrysler Mini-van to a point where this behemoth of a machine is situated about one inch above your nose. Then imagine having to lie there motionless for 45 minutes while the machine makes a sound similar to somebody banging a bass drum next to you. But don’t worry because they give you ear plugs to help drown out the sound.  
Here’s an interesting fact. It’s called an Open-MRI because it’s not totally enclosed. While you’re held motionless by the thick plastic brace and have several tons of machinery hanging a mere inch or so above you, you can look out the side.  
Talk about false advertising!
The results come back negative.
That’s when my beloved daughter Turtledove advises me that she has contracted the services of a woman who, in order to ease my pain will jab pins into my body until I look like PINHEAD for the movie Hell-Raiser, she says  it’s because she loves me and will do whatever it takes to easy my suffering.
Suspecting that Turtledove might be looking forward to my demise so she can inherit the vast Richards fortune, I decline, momentarily forgetting that Turtledove, like all Richards’ women, are immensely powerful and Amazonian in physique.
So she laughs, picks me up, throws me in the truck of her car, takes me to the acupuncturist, hurls me into the room and says, “Kill him or cure him, Doc. I can’t take another minute of this whiney mope’s complaining.”
After my daughter leaves I find myself helplessly lying on this attractive woman’s table. She has a calming voice and a gentle demeanor. She asks what my problem is and as I explain she starts inserting pins into various places on my body.
It doesn’t hurt at all.
We continue to talk and I find myself relaxing and note that she has a number of diplomas and accreditations from renowned universities. After 20 minutes or so she puts on some soothing music and tells me to rest and that she’ll be back in 20 minutes.
So I do and damn near fall asleep, which is a lot more amazing than you might think because I have never, in my entire life, fallen asleep in anything other than a bed. Not in a car, not in a chair, not in a hammock.
She returns and suggests that I purchase some nutrients from a health food store to help bolster my immune system. So I do and within a few days the pain begins to subside. I continue seeing her and after 4 sessions I’m as good as new.
Was it the acupuncture therapy that cured me? I don’t know. A nurse friend suggested that it may have been a virus which can take up to 2 months to clear out. Perhaps, but I feel healthier than I have in a long time and I believe the acupuncture and nutrients had a lot to do with that. So if you’re in pain or feel lousy and your doctor can’t figure out what’s wrong with you, give acupuncture a try. And if you’re in the Glens Falls, New York area, contact the Spa Studio at 518-745-6909 and make an appointment with Emmajean Romback. You’ll be glad you did.      

Have you ever purchased a book then half way into it realize it’s terrible and get annoyed that you’ve wasted your hard earned money on a novel you’ll be donating to the library’s next book fair? That’s happened to me on a number of occasions so that’s why you can download any of my books to your electronic device for $2.99 (click on book cover on slide show above for info) and if within 30 days of purchase, decided you don’t like it, you can e-mail me at and attach the Amazon confirmation of purchase and I’ll refund your money. (Sorry, USA resident only. Mailing overseas would cost more to mail than the check itself.) So why not take a chance? It’s a better deal than you’ll get from any book store and you just might find a new favorite author!