See that profound saying to the left? We’ve all heard the first part BUT, I came up with the rest which, I believe makes the adage a great deal more profound.
Now here’s the deal. Just how does one become known as the profound guy? Personally I go around saying profound sh*t all the time but when people speak of me (as they often do) it’s never to credit me for all my clever bon mots.
Frankly, this is beginning to piss me off. I mean I got pithy sayings and profundities coming out the ying-yang ut do I get credit for it? No! Do people credit me when they rattle off one of my especially clever axioms? No! They just smirk and act like they came up with it themselves, the bastards!
I wish I could go back in time and talk with the other profound guys and ask how they got their reputation. You know, guys like Shakespeare, Benjamin Franklin, Gandhi, John Lennon, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, Yogi Berra etc
Upon review, it appears getting shot greatly increases the chances of having the stuff you say being considered profound. I prefer however, not to follow that path. Apparently another way is to act irresponsibly throughout your life and die either by your own hand or by a self indulgent lifestyle. Facebook is filled with pithy sayings from such people as Hemmingway, Curt Colbain, Edgar Allen Poe, Jimi Hendrix, Hunter S. Thompson and scores of others who give supposedly great advice about how to live and subsequently wind up killing themselves one way or another.
I feel another profundity coming on…
And here we go…
“Before taking to heart advice from others on how one should live, check first, to see how they died”
See? I got a sh*tload of them!
I also give sage council. Which I assume is some kind of offshoot of profoundnicity. I remember one time when my daughter was a teen and very concerned with her body image and how she was viewed by others.
One day she came home upset and seeing this, I asked her what had happened. Well of course, she didn’t come right out and say what it was, Noooooooo, I had to go through all that drama that teen girls are so good at creating until she finally spilled the beans.
She was upset because some girls at school had made some disparaging remarks about her looks and she was all bent out of shape because of it.
So I donned my ‘wise council’ turban and asked her if she thought I was smart.
She replied that although I had apparently fallen ass over tea-kettle into geezerhood, I still had many of my original marbles and that my advice over the years had been quite good.
I smiled and replied, “Very well then. I have listened to your story and concerns and can only say that you are by far the oldest, dumbest, ugliest Chinese Man I have ever spoken with.”
Startled, she stares at me. “What?” she finally says, “That makes no sense. I’m not an old, dumb, ugly Chinese Man.”
So I reply. “So you don’t believe the guy you said was so smart just a minute ago ?”
She smirked, "No, of course not! I’m not any of those things.”
“I know,” I said. “So why do you believe those idiots at school?”
Some kick-ass parenting huh?
So if any of you guys and gals out there have any idea of how to get accepted into the profound guy's union or club or whatever it is, please email me with instructions.
That is all.
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