Thursday, July 11, 2013

The He-Man Woman Haters Club

    First of all let me point out that I am NOT a member of the He-man Woman Haters Club. I was happily married for 25 years, and my sister, two daughters and mother are the kindest and most considerate people I know.

   I am however, becoming convinced that all the other women have some obsessive need to explain to me, right off the bat, what they will and will not tolerate.

   I went on a date the other day with a woman I met at the library. She seemed nice, attractive, and personable so I asked if she’d like to have dinner and she said yes.

   We went to this little Italian restaurant in town. Food was excellent, music soft and the atmosphere cozy. We talked and she mentioned that her favorite movie was Avatar.  
   I nodded and smiled not indicating in any manner that I hated the movie Avatar.

   People have varied tastes so I didn’t give it a second thought.

   She asked what my favorite movie was and I said V for Vendetta, then she asked if I had seen Avatar, I said yeah and attempted to change the topic.

   She wouldn’t let it go. Didn’t I think it was beautiful? Didn’t I think the humans were wrong and the Navi were right? I shrugged and again tried to change the subject.

   No such luck.

   Then she starts in on V for Vendetta, a movie she admittedly hadn’t seen. Didn’t need to see it she said.  Said, judging by the title it’s some Mafia Godfather wannabe with cars blowing up, scores of people being mowed down by machine guns and scads of bare breasted women. (Actually, it’s a political thriller about a corrupt British government and one man’s attempt to overthrow it.)

   After her comment, I attempted to tell her what the movie was actually about when she starts this “You know, you men are all alike,” nonsense and I’m thinking; How’d the hell did we get here?

    But that wasn’t the end of it. As we continued to eat she’s building up a full head of steam, starts telling me in no uncertain terms what she will and will not tolerate from a guy. Then starts rattling off all the horrible things OTHER GUYS did to her, and that she’ll be damned if she put up with that kind of treatment ever again!

   I continued to make small talk, nod and throw in an occasional ‘that’s terrible’ and ‘That guy’s no good’ comments while quickly finishing off my food and hoping I can end this date and get to the video store before it closes.

   She orders two more glasses of wine and starts to mellow out, but it’s clear she’s still ticked that I don’t share her love of Avatar. I don’t care, I’m already wondering if this week’s new movies are in.  

   The ONLY advantage of being over 50 is that you’re no longer ruled by testosterone. 
   Twenty years ago this women could have set me on fire and I’d still be trying to get her into bed. But my brain works better now. It tells me this woman is trouble and that I should cut and run.

   And unlike so many times in my past, this time…I listen.

   So I drive her home and walk her to her door.

   When we get there, she said she had a nice time and would I like to come in. She takes my hand and gives me that ‘come hither’ look.

   I say, “Have a nice evening,” turn and head to my car.

   She’s obviously stunned because it takes her a few moments before she stammers “So that’s it?”

   “That’s it,” I reply and as I’m about to step into my car I hear her shout, “You men are all alike!”

   As I drove away I wondered if she had any idea that her rant told me exactly why any relationship between us was doomed.

   It had nothing to do with her love of the movie Avatar. As I said, people’s tastes vary. What her rant did tell me was that she became furious when people disagreed with her. That she had a history of falling for ‘bad boys’ who mentally and physically abused her and that she was putting me in the ‘Friendzone’ by confiding in me regarding her experiences with other men.

   Oh, yes, we would have had sex but only until she managed to find some hulking brute who will treat her like crap. Then, as I attempt to find someone new she’ll start the late night phone calls in tears and regale me with her tales of woe and drama.

   So here’s a hint for the ladies. We don’t like being used anymore than you do. But I will admit, men do have one advantage. We learn early on that if we do something stupid we WILL get our asses kicked. And so we either change our behavior or expect the beatings to continue.

   Women however, have learned that crying, batting their big sad eyes, and jutting out their pouty lips, or if necessary agreeing to have sex, will likely get them off the hook. So they don’t realize that bad choices create bad consequences.
I’ll give you an example. If a man is sleeping with another man’s wife and the husband catches him and shoots him, the man won’t hold a grudge. He knew the chances and the consequences.

   The woman however, will expect to get away with it. She’ll cry and make up all kinds of excuses and most time she’ll be let off the hook.

   But listen guys, that kind of attitude is sexist and demeaning to women. Today’s women are out on the streets everyday demanding equal rights and insisting they be treated with the same respect and dignity that a man is.

   And they are absolute right!

   So the next time you catch your wife in bed with another man, after you shoot him, shoot her too.

   Because everyone deservers equal rights!

   Can I get an Amen?