Wednesday, May 8, 2013

The Mirth and Merriment Ends Here!!

    I know that most of you come here for laughs, insightful posts and pertinent information. And I do my best to provide, but this week I’m afraid I must let you down.

   Why? You ask…

   Because I’m sick.

   Nothing serious, mind you. There is no need to send expensive gifts and get well baubles to lighten my mood during this dark time of virtual, inconsequential tragedy.
I will, as I’ve always have, soldier on though these dismal days. BUT, sometimes things get so freakin annoying that you want to lash out at the world.  To wreak havoc, distill carnage, let slip the dogs of WAR!

   In other words I’ve had a lousy day.

   Let me illuminate you with my tale of woe.

   I’m a night person. I’m not at my best until mid-afternoon. But that’s okay because I often work into the late evening.

  Not today.

  You see my sister’s car broke down and she had it towed to the repair shop where it remained for 3 days until a specific part could be obtained and installed. Now since she has a regular job and the repair job has the same hours as she does, it became necessary for me to rise from bed during the ungodly hour of 7:30 am and drive her to the shop so she could pick up her car and go to work.

   Did I mention that I was sick?

   Nevertheless, I arose from my deathbed and staggered valiantly to my vehicle and drove her to the shop, where she picked up her car, paid the bill and went on her way. Battling a raging fever that I swear couldn’t have been a single point less than 99 degrees I returned to my home, climbed back into bed and surrendered to the heinous virus that was ravaging my poor body and soul.

   And now for a commercial announcement.

   I don’t know if you’re familiar with the cold medication Zicam, but if you aren’t you should be.

   Seriously, that stuff is amazing. When I get a cold (which is quite rare nowadays since I religious follow Dr. Joel Furman’s diet plan) it’s always a bad one. I won’t go into the disgusting details but I’m usually a physical mess for at least 5 full days. And yes there are cold remedies on the market but I don’t respond well to them. I took that Nitequil stuff once and when it didn’t seem to work, a friend suggested I take an Alka-Seltzer cold remedy tablet. Almost immediately afterward I painted the house, rode a unicorn and had pizza and beer with Plato, Benjamin Franklin and Casper the Friendly Ghost. (Oh and as for Casper; don’t believe that line that ‘he’s kind to every living creature.’ In reality he’s a mean drunk and I’m not at all surprised that somebody killed him.)

   Anyway, Zicam spray is amazing. A couple of spritzes into the mouth 4 times a day when you start feeling that ‘tickle’ and the cold is far milder and usually gone in 36 hours.

   ZICAM! It’s the sh*t!

   Now back to our story.

   So just as I’m falling back asleep, my sister calls. The car broke down again, same reason. She furious, I’m furious, all god’s child are furious. Anyway, she can’t afford to lay out more money so she asks me to tow rope her back to the house.

   Apparently I was delirious because I agreed. Which turned out to be a bad idea because she has an American made car and as such doesn’t have the metal docking rings under the front and back that foreign cars do. (It’s to chain them down to the decks of the ships that transport them from overseas.)

   So I did manage to find something metal, tow roped her car to mine and off we went.
But not far, because the tow rope kept falling off. This happened about 4 times over the two mile trip. Still furious, I grabbed the tow rope found something sturdy and hooked onto it.

   This time, it didn’t come loose and we made it all the way to the house when the tow rope hook snapped the metal tube through which apparently flowed the transmission fluid which spewed all over the street in front of my house   

   I made arrangements for the car to be towed tomorrow on the repair shops dime.

   As for me I’m going to bed.

   And for heaven’s sake don’t call!

   Unless of course you want to bring over pizza and beer, in which I’ll make an exception.

   One last thing. If you can’t get enough of me and simply must have more, you can visit my facebook fan page at It’s where I post all my cool stuff. You should check it out and hit the LIKE button under the picture.